


Imperfect Sex and the Cast of Hogwarts

by Bernice (iibnf)



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: F/F, F/M, Humour, M/M, Magic, Multi, Other, Sex, WTF, imperfect sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-28
Updated: 2012-03-28
Packaged: 2017-11-02 15:16:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/370405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iibnf/pseuds/Bernice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>themostepotente has a post about imperfect sex on her LJ:</p><p>http://themostepotente.livejournal.com/77658.html</p><p>I love imperfect sex in fan fiction, and was thinking about the last time I wrote imperfect sex myself. Gilderoy Lockhart in Hocus Focus - because he lends himself so perfectly to the imperfect. So I thought I'd write this...</p><p>Written around 2004?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Imperfect Sex and the Cast of Hogwarts

**Gilderoy Lockhart**  
He'll tell you he's the greatest lover in the universe, and that he invented a long term Time Turner so he could go back and teach Casanova all he knew. That he's Don Juan, Antonio Banderas, Errol Flynn all rolled into one, and that he could bring 20 virgins to screaming orgasm alone and within five minutes with one hand tied behind his back. He'll autograph a copy of his latest book, "Banging with Banshees", just for you!

But sadly he's only got a disappointing three inches and he's going to come in 30 seconds - you're not. But he'll say you did.

 **Severus Snape**  
He's read a lot of books on the subject, but you'd better keep your mouth shut and let him get on with it, because he hates to be distracted while working through pages 3 to 14, and he'll just take house points. He'll work his way methodically through the recipe to get the desired results, and you, uninspired, will end up counting the potions stains on the ceiling. At least he comes pre-lubricated.

 **Rubeus Hagrid**  
The opposite of Snape. This guy is all enthusiasm! He'll be so happy that you'll shag him that he'll just eat you alive… and ouch! No, ow, that's gonna leave a mark. Watch it, you'll break my ARGH! Plus you'll be picking hair out of your teeth and walking bandy for a month!

 **Argus Filch**  
You don't mind the jowls, you don't mind the smell, you don't even mind hanging from the ceiling by your thumbs - after all, what's a little bondage between friends? But when he said he likes pussy, you didn't expect it to be Mrs Norris!

 **Remus Lupin**  
He's kind, he's caring, he brings chocolates, he cares about your orgasm, and he'd sleep in the wet spot… if only he could stay awake long enough to make one! One minute after you start he'll be fast asleep on top of you snoring like the Hogwart's Express. And let's not go into 'that time of the month'! Believe me, you do not want this guy earning his red wings with you.

 **Sirius Black**  
He used to be good, he used to be the James Dean of the muggle world with his attitude and his motorbike, but all those years in Azkaban did horrible things to his mind and his teeth - never mind his personal hygiene! Say the wrong thing about Dementors and he'll run screaming to the bottle of Old Ogden's he's got stashed in the closet. Oh, and being dead hasn't done a lot for his skills, either.

 **Nymphadora Tonks**  
She's Elle McPhearson, she's Mila Jovovic, she's Helena Christenson, she's … a pig, a tapir, hahaha, it's funny, she's your mother, not so funny! Oh, that's a bucket of cold water. Okay, you might have a few laughs, but when she pretends to be your grandfather, you're just going to lose the mood altogether.

 **Mad Eyed Moody**  
He refuses to get naked, although with that eye you know he's seen more than just your underwear! (Constant vigilance, my arse, he's just a dirty old perv!) Then just as things start to get interesting, he hexes you with something really nasty and sexually transmitted. 

**Mundungus Fletcher**  
Once you get used to the smell, he's rather good. In fact, he'll just steal your heart away! Then he'll steal your broomstick, and your books, and your cauldron, and he'll even steal your sheets while you're still asleep on them! The next week, you'll find he's selling your soiled underwear on WizBay.com

 **Kingsley**  
He's not going to tell you until after you've been together for a few months, that not only is he already married, he's got the clap. He's a man of mystery. Itchy, scabby mystery.

 **Dolores Umbridge**  
She doesn't care that you're not into knife play. She's going to make pussy jokes and make you scream and bleed.

 **Albus Dumbledore**  
He's been there, he's done that, he's done it all. There is nothing this man cannot do! Unfortunately, he just doesn't want to do it any more. He'd rather have a nice cup of tea and a bag of lollies and pick his feet. But don't be disappointed... Lemon drop?

 **Minerva McGonagall**  
Sadly, like Albus, she's been there, done that, and she'd rather curl up as a kitty and have you slap her backside.

 **Madam Hooch**  
Oh, she's good, she's real good. She'd make your eyes roll back into your head and you'd be seeing fireworks! Sadly, once you start getting naked, she's going to see that you're a saggy muggle who spends all day in front of the computer and she's gonna laugh. Ha ha, what is that! Look at those! Oh, that's never seen any exercise, has it! And you're going to end up locked in the toilet, crying. So don't even try. Just admire that arse when she's walking away from you. Mmmm.

 **Madam Sprout**  
She's fun, she's all plump and giggly and she's got the best weed! But there are potatoes growing under her fingernails, if you get a scratch, that's going to infect! There's leaves in her hair and every fold of skin, there's some sort of vine growing out of her armpit, and even though she has a bath every day, all she's doing is watering the thing that's fruiting in her navel. You give up before things go any further.

 **Filius Flitwick**  
Oh dear. He's um... he's... he's a really good conversationalist! And he's a nice guy. You wouldn't point out his, er... short comings, because, well, you just wouldn't want to hurt his feelings, would you?

 **Madame Maxime**  
Have you heard of macrogynophilia? And crush videos? Where people get off on being squashed by really large women? Olympe has. Aaaaaaaaaa CRUNCH!

 **Lucius Malfoy**  
Don't mess the hair... don't... no, don't touch, you'll mess the hair, no, there's a reason why Draco was an only child, you know. No, he says, if I have one hair out of place, he says, you'll be sorry! He'll drag you kicking and screaming to the Dark Lord who'll punish you for messing his hair! Just don't. touch. the. hair!

 **Draco Malfoy**  
You do all the work. He's the pretty one! What's he paying you for, anyway?

 **Victor Krum**  
He doesn't believe in having sex before the big game. And it's always before the big game. Can he just write you a letter, instead?

 **Neville Longbottom**  
He means well, truly he does. And he tries hard. But his balance is off, and his elbows are sharp, and when he topples over and his forehead connects with your nose you'll be too busy trying to stop the bleeding to care whether you get off or not!

 **Ron Weasley**  
He's good. Or he will be. One day. Once he finds the clitoris. Or the prostate. Or whatever it is he's supposed to be looking for. He does have a natural talent, but there's no gentle way to point out he just missed the er, point, again, without him flushing bright red and running off to hide in the toilet. Try a food bribe to get him out and try again.

 **Hermione Granger**  
If she's not telling you to hold the book just so while she's going through the instructions, she's complaining that you just can't find what you're supposed to be looking for, if only you'd read Hogwarts: A Sexual History… why are you running off to hide in the toilet again?

 **Harry Potter**  
He just doesn’t really like it. It's wet. It's embarrassing. He's worried you'll laugh at his knees. And the whole time you're getting on with it, he's really just going to be thinking about Quidditch. You'll be thrilled to be shagging the hero of the wizarding world, but he's just thinking of the Snitch.

 **Lord Voldemort**  
He farts in bed.


End file.
